his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
