Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
