is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
