Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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