Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
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I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
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He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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