Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
