My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
