i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize