I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Just puked most of my soul out..
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
