Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She announced her abortion via fbk
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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