Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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