I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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