he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
