My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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