I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
