I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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