My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
