dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
