What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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