He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
