Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
