Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
