You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
