you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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