If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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