The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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