goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
