Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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