I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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