coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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