Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize