ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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