ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
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Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
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It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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