she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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