You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
