We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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