sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
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I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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