a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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