Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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