i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
