I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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