how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
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He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
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Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My life is pants optional.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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