someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Boobs speak an international language.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
