I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
