i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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