my phone needs a breathalizer
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
