i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
