another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
