Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
