i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
