she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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