So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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