the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
