Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
