My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
