Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
