Screwed.edu
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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