U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
