i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
