3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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