I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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